I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
