drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize