I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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