dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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