I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
