I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
