If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
