The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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