1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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