I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
