new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
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