I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
