The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she pinky promised me she was 18
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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