Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
