I saw his package. It spoke to me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
