I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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