Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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