Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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