Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
