Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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