two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
