i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
