I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize