I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
