He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
