I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
