Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
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