I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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