I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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