That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Randomize
