my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
