Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize