I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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