new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize