mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
