The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Randomize
