i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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