My cat gives me a boner
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
