I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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