roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
