i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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