remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I deserve this hangover.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
