Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Randomize
