If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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