Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
