i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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