i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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