the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
