just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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