How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
