you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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