1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
