Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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