Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
