she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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