He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
