Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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