Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
