Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize