Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
