Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
