It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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