Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
