I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
