mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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