You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
