The maid of honor just puked.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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