He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
