Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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