I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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