I faked an abortion last night.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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