I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Less talking, more tequila
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize