Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
