I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
